Names

 Children’s names. Like it or not, and as un-right-on as it feels, you can make some pretty safe assumptions by looking at the names of children on a class list. If I recall some teachers on the TES website were discussing something like this a year or two ago and some uptight parents of ‘little angels’ found it and had apoplexy. But when you think about it, stereotypes are often stereotypes because they’re mostly true. You’ll read this of course and immediately think of a few examples which contradict me, but don’t bother mentioning it because of course this is merely a generalisation and is not a strict rule.

For example (and this is purely my own experience):

Children called James, Ben, Henry, Amy, Claire, Yasmin, or Sophie will probably make you feel positive about your new class. They quite probably have supportive parents and have a good chance of being well behaved.

Children called Kyle will probably be an angry little thug.

Children called Jasmyne, Jasmeen or Jazmine will probably be a bit bitchy.

Children called Angel or Princess will be anything but.

Girls with the name of singer who is famous for being beautiful and graceful will be anything but that. Think Shakira.

Children with a hyphenated first name, such as Tiah-Lauren, Crystal-Skye etc will have really really frightening parents. Who can’t read.

Children with an apostrophe in their name either have a psychotic behavioural problem or are very nice but very dim. Or mental. Or both.

Boys called Jordan have been named after the basketball player. In my experience they are often rather nice, yet ironically short.

Girls called Jordan have that ‘groomed’ look about them and it’s all rather creepy.

Children called Crispin, Fiona, Sebastian, Finlay, Annabel or Wills (not William, but Wills) will probably fill their new teacher with dread. They will probably have very pushy parents who will treat you as if you were at a private school with massive fees. They have probably bought a house in the area just so they can send their offspring to a good state school (thus keeping their Guardian reading, state school supporting credentials intact while not having to send their children to a dreadful school full of beastly council estate scum). I’ve not really had this experience as my school serves my local council estate and such parents wouldn’t live here to save their lives. But I know teachers from schools like this and they do dread names such as these.

Like I say, this is just my experience and of course your nephews and nieces who are called Kyle, Angel, T’Shaun or Jazmine are exceptions and are shining examples of loveliness.

Just as an afterthought, I was speaking recently to a colleague who had previously been a supply teacher for a year. He once taught a class for a day which boasted two little girls called ‘Unique’. How wonderful. We’ve also all heard of girls called ‘Chardonnay’ (I’ve met one), but I’ve also just met a colleague in the borough who is the proud teacher of one ‘Tequila’…fucking class!