British Education Rulez!!!! :)

 That’s it, it’s official. We have produced a generation of geniuses. I think I and my teaching colleagues deserve a knighthood apiece, the thanks of a grateful nation and free passes to Thorpe Park. It hasn’t been easy, but from their arrival in the Early Years unit of their local primary school to their final day in the Upper Sixth this generation of children (or ‘young adults’ as we should call them) have been tutored and nurtured by us; the fucking amazing teachers of this country. Not only were many of our successful A Level students pretty girls (as expected), but one was a royal girl, the first person with Windsor blood running through their veins to score three pretty good A Level grades. Well, they would have been very respectable indeed in my day but since she didn’t get straight As I can only assume her classmates are laughing behind her back and calling her Princess Thickie. But three A Levels she has got, I think in Film Studies (I’ve got an A Level in Film Studies so she must be pretty good), Basket Weaving and Dressing Herself. Hurrah! Also, I’m thrilled to see that one young shaver managed ten A grades. Ten. Aha, you will argue that he had it handed on a plate what with him being at Eton and being Russian (well known for being dead brainy…or dead pissed), but don’t knock him. He has ten fucking A Levels. All at A grade.

Now, don’t be giving me any of your broadsheet reading shit about A Levels being easy. It’s all down to us teachers being the best teachers in the whole world. And also that this year’s crop of 18 year olds are the brainiest 18 year olds this country has ever produced. Ignore all this dreadful propaganda you might hear that in fact we, as a nation, are amongst the least literate and culturally unaware in Europe. Ignore the claims that children in many countries don’t start school until the age of seven and outperform our children within a couple of years. It can’t be true, after all we start them at the age of four and test the fuck out of them several times a year until they either storm out of education in disillusioned disgust at the earliest opportunity or stay on, do the time and walk away with anything between three and ten A Levels. The proof is there, we have the brainiest kids in Europe, and the best education system in the whole world. And I, dear readers, am a part of it.

A Level Predictions

 I’ve just been reminded by the radio that A Level results are coming out in the next few days. There was some perky sounding female advertising a university in Essex (Southend? Somewhere like that) over a backing track of vaguely ‘rock’ guitars. That’s right kids, go to university for three years, it’s nothing but hanging out with your mates who ‘jam’ all day.

Anyway, the following two predictions I can state with utter confidence in anticipation of the forthcoming A Level results. I’m sure you’ll agree, the template has been set over the last decade or two:

• a) There will be a media argument about A Levels becoming ‘easier’. Serious minded broadsheets and right wing tabloids will claim that they are a piece of piss, and left wing tabloids, mums of teenagers and the secondary teaching profession will claim that they’re a million times harder. For my money’s worth I’d say they’re much fucking easier these days. When I went to a fairly posh public school (ok, not that posh at all, I think proper public schools laughed at us) the top stream of A Level students (we’re talking 15/16 years ago) who were being groomed for Oxbridge took 3 A Levels (maybe 4) and an AS. These days it’s bog standard in the A Level world to have four A Levels and a slack handful of AS Levels. Some claim that there have been huge leaps in teaching and learning but honestly, take it from me, us teachers are no better than we were back then. So there it is, A Levels are easier. FACT.
• b) There will be lots of pictures of pretty girls in tight jeans and long wavy hair jumping up and down and hugging each other holding their results on bits of paper. This is because, according to news photographers, nearly all A Level students who are successful are pretty girls. FACT. There are some boys who take A Levels but on the whole they do really shit and are ugly or fat. However, hordes of attractive girls will pass with flying colours and get their photos in the papers. Some faintly attractive girls also do well at A Level but they don’t tend to make it into the pictures. They probably hide or something.

So, here’s to the soon-to-be-successful pretty girls! Still, these straight-A girlies have got three year’s hard work at university to go so they can get their First in Modern History and Economics, and then finally they get to work for a pittance for the boss who will turn out to be the lazy lad from their class who managed two Cs at A Level and a 2:2 in Business Studies. FACT.